Mourning, Faith, and Surviving a Really Hard Week

I had a blog post ready to publish this week. All about Lent. But then I received a call that a dear friend was in the hospital…..

This past week has been one of the weirdest and hardest weeks of my life. It’s also been one of the most beautiful and faith-building weeks of my life. I have a dear friend who is entering the final weeks of her life on this earth. She has been battling triple negative breast cancer for over four years. She is a wife, a mom of three children, a sister, a daughter, a teacher, a niece, a friend, and an inspiration to thousands of children on the central coast of California. 

We worked together during my time at Grace Bible Church where she led our children’s choirs, and eventually moved from being part of the worship ministries department to being part of the children’s ministry department, where I became her “boss” and we developed a wonderful partnership. I am not in the least bit musically inclined, so I completely trusted her and let her creativity flow with the children’s choirs. Her talent and love for kids and deep faith led me to ask her to start helping with Sunday School, and VBS. She became the Assistant Children’s Director and she embodied all of it. 

There’s so much more of her story that I’ll share later, but that’s the background to our relationship. A little over a week ago, she texted me that her cancer had spread, and that she had been told to look into hospice care. She is now in an assisted living facility, on hospice care. I’ve spent five hours with her physically, and so many more thinking about her and praying for her. I thought I’d share a bit about how I navigated this past week, what I am glad I did, and maybe what I’d do differently.

First, let me say that both my bosses were completely understanding of my need to be with my friend at every opportunity that was given to me. I was grateful that there was a clear understanding of who to text if I wanted to go visit, and clear boundaries for the visit. A couple of the visits she was awake and lucid, and we had a wonderful chat, going down memory lane, sharing stories and laughing. Our other friend went with me on most of the visits, and the two of us were able to read to her messages of love, appreciation, support, and prayers from many of her former choir kids and their parents. A couple of visits, she was not feeling great, so I held her hand, and I told her what she meant to me, how she had been such an amazing example of having her priorities in the right place. God first, family second, ministry third. 

When I was not physically present with her, I spent a lot of time receiving photos, videos and messages and began compiling them in a slideshow for her. I also did some work that I could do from home. I’m still doing my sugar fast, and though the temptation has been there to just forget it and go crazy, I made a commitment to go 40 days without sugar, and I’m going to do it. It helps to remind myself that my friend did it with me one time, and while fasting and skipping sugar, I can pray for her.

I kept to my morning routine every day except for one day this week. Devotions, coffee, 20 minutes of reading and doing a workout. I think that helped a ton. On the one day that I didn’t do any of those things, (well, not true, I did have coffee) I gave myself grace and didn’t feel guilty or bad about it. I didn’t get to all my regular chores around the house, and my husband came home one of the evenings and just looked at me and said, “We’re going out to dinner.” 

Here’s a few lessons learned:

-Tell people how you feel about them, often. While this has been an ongoing battle, and we have had time to intentionally say everything we have wanted to, we don’t always have that gift of time. 

-Find out who to communicate with during a time like this, and then follow what has been set-up. 

-Pray. For the person. For their family. For yourself. 

-Give yourself permission to grieve and mourn. Even before they are gone. I am grieving the loss, even though she is still here. I’m trying my best not to grieve in front of her, but I’m not going to lie, I did cry in front of her as I shared with her what she has meant to me. As I have put together pictures and watched videos, I have cried. During worship at church, I have cried. Writing this right now, I am crying. Don’t hold it in. Feel the emotions. Sit in it. Pray through it. Tell God how you feel. I certainly have. I think we don’t do a good job of this in our society. We should mourn. Death is not what God wanted for us. But because of Jesus' life, death, and resurrection, we know this is not the end. We have eternity to look forward to. I know I will see her again, so I grieve with hope.

-Give yourself grace for the things that don’t get done. Eliminate all unnecessary tasks so you are freed up to say yes to every opportunity to visit your loved one. 

-Here’s a sensitive one. Be careful how you talk about healing with the person. Your faith may believe that miraculous healing is going to happen, but sharing that with the person may cause confusion and cause on-lookers (especially those who don’t believe) to doubt God’s goodness if it doesn’t happen. We are open to whatever God wants to heal and however He wants to heal. And, we recognize God’s sovereignty in it. He has a plan for each person’s life. He knows when they will be born and when they will die. Pray with faith, trusting God to act in His kindness and goodness toward your loved one. 

I am sure there are more and better recommendations for those in these situations, feel free to share them in the comments. We will all be better for it. Thanks for reading. I’m grateful for you.